Her Nonverbal Son Spoke to His Dad at 4 AM: "I'm in Trouble" - Finding Ian

The Hospital Says They Never Made the 4 AM Call She Asked an Apostle to Heal Her Son. She Was Told Not To "He was sent. He was here for Ian." Years later, she understood why. The question that changed everything: "Do you have the faith not to be healed?" "Ian Would Come Home"

 Raw Transcript:

A nonverbal autistic boy cries out for help. A boy who changed people without words. Ian was autistic and almost
entirely non-verbal. Eventually, he tells his parents, "I want to go." This
is a story about learning to see, and it is a story full of miracles. Ian's mother, Jennifer, has put this into a
book called Finding Ian. You're going to get some of that story here today. And I'll put the link to the book in the
description box. Here we go with Finding Ian. All right. So, take me back to November 2022.
Chapter 2: The sudden health crisis
At 4:00 in the morning, Phil, you wake up to a voice saying, "Dad, I'm in serious trouble. I need your help." Now,
this was your son Ian, but Ian didn't speak. Bring me to that moment and what you were thinking. I was uh I was sleep
on the couch because I always slept on the couch so that way I could tell when Ian was coming out cuz he was skate
1 minuteartist. Um I was sleeping. I heard dad help me. And
at first I thought it was Hunter and I realized that's not Hunter's voice. And
let me go check on my son's. And uh so I went into my boy's room and my my oldest
son Ian was on the floor and his lips were turning blue and he wasn't
he there's there's something wrong with him. I can tell something wrong with him but I didn't know what it was. Um he was he was barely responding to
anything and uh I thought I was losing my son right there that morning. I uh I've never been
more scared in my entire life. I mean it it was
it was pretty surreal. It's you hear all these stories about people about parents who lost their children
2 minutesand it happens you know that morning and it didn't happen like that for us. It was it was different. It was just, you know, I couldn't figure out why my son
why I heard my son ask for help cuz my son didn't talk and it was a whole lot lot of emotional thought going through my mind at this point.
What happened next? I went up and got my wife and uh I said we something wrong the end. We called my mom who's who's
been nurse her almost her entire life and said come over real quick something wrong to the end and um she asked me to
explain it what was going on and I did the best I could and she said call 911. Your mom didn't say call 911. I did.
Okay. Well, I guess don't call 91 anyway. So, so the the fire gets there and
they uh they they think he's having low a blood sugar problem.
They think he's diabetic because he gained a lot of weight in a matter of 6 months and uh it was we didn't know what was going on.
So, he's he's he's severely autistic. Was that okay? He's severely autistic.
He does not speak. How How do you explain that you heard his voice, Phil? I have no idea. I mean, I have no idea.
It woke you up.
It woke me up. I I was pass I was dead asleep. And um yeah, it woke me up.
And um it was it was weird. It just didn't make sense. But uh it was a couple times during the whole those
time for the whole thing that uh things would happen that didn't make sense.
Chapter 3: Hospitalization and diagnosis
So he's at the hospital. What happens then is how long does he stay there?
What what what is the diagnosis? You said he it sounded like he was they thought he might be diabetic, but is he's released after that? We get to one
hospital and they uh they said they it'd be better if we went to Phoenix Children's Hospital which we probably should first place
and um we were there for probably two months trying you know wait for them to come up with anything they throw
suggestion out and then just prove that real by the end of the day and then come with something else and just prove real quick and um it was two months of my son
staying in hospital bed and having feeding tubes in his nose and It wasn't exactly 2 months because they
found a disorder early on, like within 2 weeks, and they were able to get him to heal. So, we had all these ups and
downs, like he would go to rehab and then he'd have a relapse, then he'd go to rehab and have another relapse. So,
there was two disorders that were that were there and the one disorder was not diagnosed till 3 months after we had been in the hospital.
And and what was that?
Um it's called XL dilated cardiomyopathy which is directly related to the musc musculardrophe gene which is what my dad
had which actually was a contributing factor to his autism but all the doctors told us that there was no reason for it.
He also had his entire life.
He also had HLH which instead of um instead of the body attacking bad bad things in it, it
attacked everything. It attacked all the organs and his heart when he autoimmune autoimmune disease. Yep.
That's Okay. So, so take me back a little bit further. Ian uh is your your oldest.
Chapter 4: Early life and regression
Your oldest. Y Okay. So, he's your oldest. He's born and he you said that he is speaking in full sentences at the age of two years old.
Yeah.
Everybody when we told everybody that he wasn't speaking anymore, nobody believed us until they saw it. and was and and how how long of a period of time
did it how long of a period of time did it take until when he stopped speaking?
Um well they um that we took him to the doctor immediately and the doctors were like there's no rhyme or reason for him
being autistic. It's just what it is. We don't have any any cure for it or anything else but we believe he's autistic. And um it happens sometimes
that they regress and um the doctor and but we were shocked because when he was 2 years old or he was 2 and a half, we
took him to Temple Square and we we went do you know um the beautiful trees at the North Visitor Center, remember when
the North Visitor Center was there and how beautiful they decorated it and stuff and you had the Christ and you walked up. So, we walked up with him
with Hope and um we took him out of the stroller and Ian walks up to Christ and he puts his arms up and we're like,
"Okay, he wants to reach to the Savior." Phil lifts him up and Ian goes, "Aba, Abba." and kisses the Savior's feet.
He was two and a half. Nobody told him that. It was uh So, there was no And there was no other behavioral signs that he was autistic.
There was nothing. I mean, yeah.
And it happened overnight. Is that right? Oh, yeah.
That that just seems so I don't know how to I I don't know how to react to that. I don't know how I would react to that.
Yeah, it was all of a sudden it's changed. It was Well, it was a slow regression.
Like, we can see we can look back now and see all these slow like slow regressions like he'd miss a word here or he'd pause here or little little
things, but nothing dramatic until he just like all of it was gone. And really it was right around the time that my youngest son Hunter was born. And so
Hunter need a lot of attention being a newborn baby and all that. I thought maybe you was just jealous and so he was just kind of you know pull pulling
himself back was you know so we didn't we didn't exactly know but hope was like not developing. She didn't hit any of her milestones and it was
almost like they switched places because that's when she started talking and that's when he stopped.
So, let's talk a little bit more about kind of the events that lead up to this.
Chapter 5: Spiritual preparation
You've written a book called Finding Ian. And in in the book, you talk about some of the preparation and what you
would never have thought was preparation for this, but different things that started to happen that that helped you uh maybe guide you through this experience.
Well, I I don't know. It's just a feeling, you know, at at the beginning of 2022.
Um, that was the end of like the COVID era, like the beginning of everything starting to go normal.
And um and I just started feeling like I got to go to the temple more. I just I just need to start listening to uh and
getting close to Christ. I just had this strong feeling that I wanted a relationship with Jesus Christ. I didn't know why. And I um and so and then I
watched every conference and President Nelson was saying stuff that was like, "Oh, you need to um get closer to the Lord." Stuff that I was already feeling
for like months, like 3 months before or four months before he ever said anything like that. So it was almost like every
single talk was meant for for us. And um I just didn't know why at the time. I
had no idea why. I had no idea why. It just felt like like it was for us. And um then then things started changing
with Ian. Things started changing our apartment. Like we had mold and we didn't know. And the roof caved in in
the in the kitchen and it was just a whole bunch of stuff that was going on at once. But we had no idea that Ian was
going to that that all that Ian was going to fall sick that that was going to happen like suddenly like that.
Yeah. the uh the day that Ian that we found out that Ian Ian had autism um I had a dream that night it sounds
it's going to sound weird and I apologize ahead of time for that but I had a dream that night that Ian and I were in this field just tall grass that
you know came into my way so barely up to Ian's chin and I had no idea where we were going we just saw a big mount in
front of us and I got real discouraged so started screaming out you know he wants to go there But there's a mountain. I mean, we can't get through
that. And I heard his voice that came from everywhere that said, I wouldn't build a build a mountain and not make a
way for you to get through it. And that was right after Ian lost his voice.
From that point on, it's been there's been a lot of the lot of mountains been built that we've had to find ways to get that we found ways to get through it, especially with the end. I mean, he
would leave the house with just his diaper on. He was he was he was a wild kid. It was fun, but it was a whole lot a whole lot of work.
Yeah.
Chapter 6: Treatment and recovery signs
So, just previous to this happening, the night that you hear his voice, uh how long had it been since he had spoken a word?
Um he it was three and a half, so he was almost four. He was uh 16.
So, 12 years.
Yeah. But but we had a school start to work with them more and the school was able to reroute his brain a little bit. So he heard a little bit of words but not as
much as when they fixed his heart when they gave him heart meds. We heard more words than we had ever heard. What?
Okay. Tell tell me about that. Is this while he's in the hospital?
While he's in the hospital from the event.
And so they they they give him what what what drug do they give him?
Um, it's a really strong steroid and I don't know what the steroid is, but they gave it to him because he had HLH. And
so then they gave him all these heart meds. What they give a regular a heart patient, a cardiac patient, they give
him heart meds. And so around Christmas time, he started saying more words and um they came in and they showed him
pictures and so they showed him a picture of Hunter and he said, "Hunter, Hunter, sweetheart." Then they showed
him a picture of Hope and he said hope is silly. Then they showed him a picture of me and he said mommy donkey. Sorry.
That's that's my boy.
Let's go back to the hospital and and so so how he's in there for did you say three months? Three and a half months. Yeah. Three and a half.
Three and a half months. And then and there there were signs that were coming up to this certain people saying that he
will come home. You did you probably didn't know at the time if you'd be okay. Tell me about that. Yeah, it was the very very beginning and uh he was at
he was at Banner Desert Hospital and Bishop Bigler, he was our bishop, we had only known him for 2 weeks and Bishop
Bigler said um he uh he came and when he when we met up at Phoenix Children's, he
came and told us he said the blessing that I gave Ian right before I came here, I just want to let you know that when I was giving him that blessing, the
spirit just like went all the way through my body and I couldn't deny it.
And it said Ian would come home. And then there was um another another witness. This was a friend that I knew
online. I don't know if you've ever heard of the Ezra's Eagle group. He's the um he's the person that's in charge
Chapter 7: Miracles and hope
of that group on Facebook, Mike Crowley. And uh and he uh he said that after I posted online and said,
"Hey, we need prayers. My son's in the hospital. They lifellighted him. He he might die. He um he got this strong
feeling that he needed to go to Los Angeles Temple. So he did. So he went to the temple and then he told me later.
He's like, "Hey, can we hop on a call? I want to tell you an experience I had." And so I hopped on a call with him. And he said, "I was in the Los Angeles
temple, and I know I don't know your son, and I know this seems weird, but the spirit was so strong when I when
when I was in the celestial room. It it told me that your son was going to come home." And I was like, "Whoa, that's two
people. Neither one of them knew each other." And then Phil had talked to um so Elder Lugby who was a close
missionary because we used to invite missionaries over all the time and he knew Ian and he knew Phil and he knew
me. He knew all of us and he was like he got a strong feeling that he needed to go to the temple and he was all the way in Australia not even in the United
States and he'd been home from his mission for about 6 months and he goes he goes to the a Victoria temple and he
says and he calls Phil and he says Phil I got to tell you the experience I had same exact thing like he's like the
spirit was so strong I've never felt the spirit that strong before said that your son was going going to come home. Three
15 minutesspecific people, all of them said the same thing. And this was at the very, very beginning when they had no idea what was going on. They didn't even know
he had HLH. Ian had already been through three heart surgeries trying to save his life. And uh and they um and so at this
time, it was almost like the Lord was saying, "Hey, just be patient." But we had no idea because after when they put
him on those steroids, he started healing. All of his organs started healing. There was only one organ that wasn't healing and that was his heart.
And um so they put him in rehab and everything. And we saw we saw two relapses. We saw so many things that
But when you say relapse, what do you mean by that?
Um he was healing. They put him in rehab. And uh one night we get a call in the middle of the night and they're like, "We just want to let you know your
son's back in ICU. He had a relapse." And so once he started So they put him on steroids again. It was an HL is what it was.
Yeah. And so they they put him on heart they put him on meds again, like the same steroids. He started improving, put
him back in rehab. later, he was back in ICU. And at that point, the doctors said, "We can't put him back in
ICU." And uh I said, and we said, "Or we can't put him back in rehab." And we're like, "Well, why not?" And the doctors are like, "Because we got to find out
what's wrong with his heart." Said his heart's not healing. We don't know what's wrong.
And so that's why we were there for three and a half months. But all these ups and downs, like the Lord knew. He
knew that we were going to go through this.
For him to give us that promise at the very beginning.
We thought it was every single time we're like, "Okay, it's coming to an end. We're going to make it home. We're going to get home." And then and then something happens.
It was rough because it would we would see Ralph said his hospital room. They start building to put up the Christmas tree.
So I got to watch the tree go up, watch Christmas come and go and then watch him take the tree down and still we're still in the hospital. So it was kind of a
real emotional for all of us. I mean I'd have to go home, spend go home, spend Christmas with my with my other two kids and turn on go back to the hospital,
spend weeks with my with my oldest.
Um it was it was hard. It was I mean it was a crazy time but there were a lot of miracles that happened too that are
absolutely unexplainable. Like we can't explain any of them.
So you're in the hospital for 3 and 1/2 months and then you're able to take him home. Well, it wasn't that easy. It Yeah, it was.
Chapter 8: Hospice and end-of-life care
We uh we were on the second floor apartment and they told us if you don't if you don't move to a first floor apartment, we're putting him in Ryan's
house, which is for children on children that are in his situation. And they're like, we're not going to let we're not going to release him to you.
And they uh the day they said you know, good news, you're going home. And my wife and I were both there at the hospital. I believe we were there,
right? And uh they uh they talked to us in the hallway. And um they said, you know, good news, we're sent Ian's going
home. And I'm like, that's that's fantastic. That's amazing. You know, cuz his color was back in his face. He was being his silly crazy self. I thought,
okay, cool. He came he came to the hospital, got better. He's going home.
And then he said, then he said, "He's going home to die." And I'm like,
but we had seen before that we saw an actual miracle when um so that morning, that Friday morning before he came home,
we walked into the hospital room and his body is is red, like sunburnt red from head to toe. He has swollen like more than we ever thought we'd ever see him.
And um that's when the doc the first time the doctor pulls us in and says, "Hey, you need to go get your youngest kid, your kids, because we're going to
make an exception for them to see their brother. Um but we're going to put them on hospice." So that's when that first part happened. And then we went home and
we got the kids like we were there, back. By the time we got back, it was an hour and a half. We
walked into the room and it wasn't the same kid. He was up sitting in the bed laughing. All the swelling was gone, all the redness was gone, everything. There was nothing left.
And then they told us he was he was still going home on hospice after we saw him healed in front of our face.
I mean, you know, being there the small group of parents who uh
had the horrible situation where they've had to bury their kids. And I never thought I'd be part of that club. Man, I never wanted to be part of that club. So when they said, "Send your home to die.
20 minutesYou're sent home to die." Well, left my broken arm just switch breaking. I mean, it was just unl
It was the most pain I've ever experienced ever. I mean, it just I I couldn't It didn't make sense. At the same time, it was
it wasn't fair. I mean, it didn't feel fair at all.
I I worked at a homeless shelter with people who are constantly on drugs and all that kind of stuff and they're fine.
But now that here the here's doctors are told me that they're going to send my son home but never did anything wrong.
Never intentionally hurt anybody. Never intentionally never did anything wrong and they're sending him home to die and
I'm supposed to be all right. I'm okay with this. I wasn't I wasn't okay with it. I mean So how did you get through that?
Chapter 9: Faith through difficult times
What's that? How did you get through that?
Honestly, three years later, I'm still dealing with it.
I mean, for my son, I just had to swallow it down and take care of my son, be there
for my boy 24/7, you know, just like we're in a hospital and we had a hospital beds up in our apartment and it was we took care of different location,
but we had to move to a first floor apartment. So, we knew that God had made that promise and we were like, there's
only one way for Ian to come home and that is for us to get up and move. So, we found an apartment within a week and
within um a week it was like the next week after we found the apartment. It was that fast. Like it was one week
we're in the apartment everything starts coming in the next week you're you're going your son's going home on hospice.
I mean that it was fast and the same thought came through my mind. God wouldn't build a mountain without making a way for me to get
through this. And without making a way for my son and I to get through this, we're going to be okay. My son and I are going to be just fine. And I figured it
just take a little bit of time, but we'd eventually be okay. We'd make it. I mean,
Ian was a Ian was a tough boy. He was he was a soldier.
Yeah. I mean, he he couldn't he was in pain for years and we didn't know It couldn't stop him. If he want to do something, he's going to do it. So, I
figured he's going to get better. He's just going to get better at our house and we're going to show everybody. We're going to show the doctors, show the nurses, you know,
of course, with enough faith, enough miracles, things will happen. And well, you've got to be that way. I mean,
most parents would feel exactly the same thing. I Yeah, bring you bring into control everything you can, even if you don't have control on it.
Right. I mean, sometimes all you have left is your faith to believe that God is in control.
I mean, that he knows the what's best.
Yeah. I couldn't look at my son in the hospital bed and think, "Okay, he's dying." That was that wasn't even an option. That's I knew God would take care of us. I
would help would take care of my son because I mean I was under that weird under the weird impression that by everything I was
supposed to do you know my wife and I got married to Salt Lake Temple and I thought everything you're supposed to do good things it's only going to be good things from here on out and so the idea
of my son's on hospice now wait a minute but we did what you asked us to do we're the temple we go to church regularly
and it didn't it's one another one didn't make sense there's a lot lot that happened with me and it didn't make sense.
So, let me tell you Yeah, go ahead.
I was gonna tell you one experience. So, and we Phil was like had his He was like, "I've had enough. I I I'm just
exhausted. You know, it's exhausting going to the hospital, seeing your son every day." So, he was so exhausted. He said, "Jen, can you come get me?" So,
and I I just need one night. And so, we made sure he had a bag next to him. 4:00 in the morning, we get this call. Well, it was about it was earlier than that.
It was like 2 or 3 2 or three. And um and they're like, "Hey, your son's blood pressure has dropped. Get to the hospital right
away." So, he gets his bag, he gets in the truck, and he goes to the hospital.
When he gets there, he gets there the same time that Ian's blood pressure dropped. So, there's no way they would have called him, but we didn't know that
at the time. The next morning, we're like, we tell the doctors. were like, "Hey, we just want to let you know we are so grateful that you gave us a call
so we could be there for Ian." And the doctors are like, "No one called you." And we said, "Really? No one called us?
Somebody called us? The phone rang at 2:00 in the morning and they said, "Nobody from our team gave you that call." I had to check my phone and see, but
their their number wasn't on it. I I I had to check my phone to see if I could find any number around 2:00 in the morning. No one called me. It
it's not explainable except for an angel.
Just a horrible dream and whatever. But uh yeah, it was just it was crazy.
Ian's back with you in hospice essentially and and what what happens then? What what are the experiences you have with him there?
Chapter 10: Final experiences and joy
Um well, we uh we met an apostle.
I mean, yeah, we uh we did the make a wish because my son was on hospice, so he got make a wish and we wanted to meet
the we wanted to meet the prophet, but because of medical situation with my son and with the prophet himself and they just said it just it'd be too difficult, not not something that could work out.
And but they said the church said, "But we do have an apostle down there." And they said, and they're like, "You ever heard of Elder Gans?" I'm like, "Yeah, I've heard of him, but never met him."
And I said, "Well, he would he actually wouldn't mind going to see you guys." Okay, cool. So, um, we met the church building and Elder Gong showed up as his wife and bodyguard.
Yeah, he had a bodyguard, by the way.
Yeah, that was kind of weird to see a possible bug guard named Mike. Mike, but um
the the uh his wife loved Ian. She fell in love with him. She didn't want to leave.
She just wanted to hang out with Ian. And he's so cute.
And they have some really good sound system church because for as loud as you hear him talk in like conference and stuff like that, he's really quiet in uh
when he's face to face. I mean, the guy's smart. You can tell he's smart. He's he's like a gentle giant.
When when he watched the room, the the the spirit of the room changed. It wasn't just, you know, we're going to meet somebody that have chicken wings.
Yeah. My Ian's favorite is we're here and we're going to meet some meet someone.
I just can't imagine that that feeling that spirit that they that they carry. You just can't.
They gave us rules. They said that Make a Wish gave us rules. They said we couldn't ask for a blessing, which is what we really wanted. We wanted to see if Father God give my son a blessing,
but they said, "No, I can't do it." And honestly, we actually wanted the prophet to heal him. I went I I uh
but apparently didn't happen when they when they said I couldn't do it. We couldn't ask for a blessing for my son. I I was tempted. I mean I
thought well you know what they're going to take away my birthday and but uh we follow the rules.
We followed the rules. They said that if he offered, we could we could um take the blessing, but Elder Gong um I think knew that Ian was supposed to pass away.
Mhm.
And then that that happened and then the high school, I don't know if you watched the video, but Mountain View High, um
their whole football team decided to do something special for Ian. and had only been in their school for 3 weeks. They
decided that they were going to um push him through the end zone so that he could actually play a sport.
And so they all like rallied around him and they pushed him into the end zone and he got to make his first first touchdown.
They kept saying that Ian had already dreamed about being a high school football player, which wasn't the case.
What I said was Ian had always did didn't want Ian didn't want to be looked at as not being normal anymore. He
wanted to be like a normal 16-year-old boy. And you know, there very few things more normal in high school than
football. And so, you know, they And he could never ever play sports. They did they did a whole thing for him.
And and uh I was able to push him into the end zone. I think we went like 40 yards and pushing him on as turn for 40 yards.
is a little tough, but uh I mean you watch that video on YouTube, you'll get to see a grown man's heart break in real time across the end zone.
I'm like, "Okay, all right." Yeah, it was it was awesome. And um and then
so he is he's at home. Um how is long is he at home before he passes? Another four months. Three and a half months.
Three and a half months. Right. Three and a half months. Okay. It was June 26th. June 26.
Chapter 11: Ian's passing
Yeah. Elder Holland's wife passes away a month later.
Okay. We um couldn't keep him in bed long enough.
Like we lay him down in bed just so we'd relax. We didn't get all stress put him in the hospital bed. We had to use the
whole year lift which was not fun. Um and then 20 20 later want to get up. Okay. So get him up, put bring
him out to put him in a client ribbon for him or put him in his wheelchair and take him outside for a stroll. And then June in Arizona is really not
comfortable. So toasty.
So I figured it probably would be too comfortable for him either. So he just came and sat in sat in recliner living room and we watched him be together and it was
it was beautiful. I mean, yeah, snowing at my son in the hospice, that part always hung over us, but having all
three of my kids home, I mean, it was it was amazing. It was
And we got paid to take care of him through the state and um I worked from home as well, so we got to uh spend those last three months pretty much with him every day.
Yeah. Yeah. That's fantastic. Well, I hope it's okay to ask this question. I mean, I can't imagine again that you're
you're you're you're wanting to make him whole. You're you're wanting to save him and anything
that you can do and you're relying completely on God at some point, maybe the entire time, I guess, the entire time.
Um, but eventually you do you think yourself, okay, well, this is just the will of God. This is this is the plan and and and Ian will probably be going.
Um, we didn't really realize that until three days before he passed away. So, what happened was Ian, I was in taking
31 minutescare of Ian and he looks at me and he says, "I want to go." And I knew I knew immediately where he wanted to go. Like
the spirit told me that that's where he wanted to go, but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. And then the next
day he said it in the morning and I was like, "No, I'm not going to acknowledge it." And then he says it in front of
Phil and he goes, "I want to go." And Phil goes, "Where does he want to go?" And I said, "He wants to go up there."
And I looked up at the sky and I said, "He wants to go up there." And he goes, "No, no, that's not the case. He passed
away later." So he knew. What's that?
He knew. Mhm.
Yeah. He knew. How verbal was he at the time?
At that point, was he still on all the heart medication?
Yeah. Still on all medications. At that point, he learned if you put uh his finger on his chin right here that he would speak just fine.
I wish we had known that for 12 years previous to that, but that was his ability. He put his finger on his chin.
And so he would put his finger on his chin. Uhhuh.
And somehow something changed in his brain and he could be more fluid in his speaking.
Yeah. He would say stuff like, "Daddy, one eyes." Yeah. Mama donkey one.
Was there a like was it a big difference? It was a big difference from before.
Before he wasn't saying hardly any words, like maybe one or two, three. It wasn't like a lot of words. He would say
more words after the apartments and his and his uh his personality was back to being my son. Not you know
maybe it's my my horrible genetics but my kids all have really horrible sense of humor and Ian was starting to show his again. I mean he would be in the
hospital bed and I would sit in I was sitting living room on TV and he would yell out dad want poop. I'm like okay.
So I had to run in there, make sure which n% time he didn't. He just was trying to get him in there.
So to point I just stand in there just to make him feel better. I put him pick him up at the whole air lift. I put him in my bed and then I'd be able to hang
out with my son in my bed just hang out with my boy. He was really cute.
Chapter 12: Reflection and legacy
How and looking at this obviously I mean this is how does this how do you reflect on this
experience with Ian and then him passing away and put that into the context of your testimonies and and and the plan of salvation.
Well I mean you know to be honest after after he passed my testimony tanked. I
mean, I couldn't go to church. I couldn't I I couldn't. It hurt too much. And
it took one of their missionaries over again. Hey, maybe you come to church.
It'll be great. No, it won't. Um but just
just recently I uh I started started remembering who I was started
remembering my beliefs and uh started building my rebuilding my testimony and be going church going to church again
and it it still hurts. is so hard.
But uh church is one of the few places in the world where I can go and feel all three of my kids with me.
Yeah, we can feel my boy still with me. Of course, the other place is football. So yeah.
So with me, I I it just made me realize that God was there because I saw all these miracles happen that there was no
35 minutesreason for them except for God was there in the midst of everything. And it made
me realize that in our darkest times is when he's there the most.
And um my faith grew from that experience. And it's been hard like I I when it sometimes I think of him and I
just start crying. Even Hunter will just like in just start crying for his brother because he loved Ian or he loves
Ian. And um my testimony really grew at that time to know that this is God's
plan and this is what he has set for us and that there is a reason and that at the end of it all, we're going to be
with our family together forever. we're going to be with Ian and he will I said you know I look back on that talk by
President I don't know if you remember that talk by Elder Holland where he talked about the um the special needs
people um people that you will when you see them again they will be magnificent beyond compare and I hold on to that and
think I'm going to see my son and he's going to be in all of his glory and we're going to be with him as a family forever and that's what our goal goal is
and that's what we're striving for is to make sure that that happens that we can all be together and um in this in this
world there's so many wicked stuff going on. You have to hold on to your family because if that's all you have,
it's weird, you know, growing up in church here. Uh, you know, prepare for the day when Christ comes back.
I'm taking a little different angle. I'm trying to prepare for a day when I get to see my son again. Trying to really see my son again.
It's uh Yeah. Hope I hope I make it.
Yeah. So, how do how do you speak to your your other kids about this? And and what have they said about all of this?
Have they had any reflections, I would imagine, to you, too, and and and how they've felt going through all of this and seeing you two dealing with this?
Well, my daughter is also has autism. She's moderate autistic.
Moder to sever autistic. And uh so I'm not sure she even I know she and I know she realized that Ian's not here
anymore, but I'm not sure she realizes what that means or where he's gone, all that kind of stuff. And my youngest son is uh he knows
how to a football player. So he, you know, he keeps everything bottled up pretty tight. He's a big scary football player. It's uh
he decided to start football after his brother passed because he saw what Mountain View did and he said, "I want to I want to honor my brother and the
best way I can do that is to be the best football player I can because Ian couldn't play sports. So, I'm going to play sports for him."
And Hunter knows that Ian's watching him play football. And you know, Ian was one of those guys who he didn't care what the movement was. He slept a lot watch a lot of movement. I mean, I can take him
to I can take I put take him to the sidewalk on in front of the street and just he would enjoy just watching the cars. He loved movement. And so he
Hunter knows that when he's playing football, his brother's with him. And and right after it happened though, so
Hunter started being possessive of his toys cuz you know at 13, 14, you start getting kids start getting possessive of
their stuff and Ian would always go and try to play with his Legos and stuff at like 13. He was 12, 13. And um he would
lose them and Hunter would get frustrated and Hunter would start yelling at Ian. After he passed, Hunter looked at me and he said, "Mom, if I had
known that my brother that I didn't have much time with my brother, I would have never yelled at him. I would have given him all my toys just to see him one more time." And that's what he told us.
And he was 14. He was 13 at the time.
And that is a big thing for a 13-year-old to say, right?
So, what what advice would you guys give to others that may have other parents that may have lost a child?
What what you've gone through? I mean, you're still healing, but is there anything that you would say to someone else who's who's gone through the same thing recently?
Just I would say rely on people that are around you. Surround yourself with
people. surround yourself with anybody that will pray for you because you you need the support as much support
as you can get because if we did not have the support of the ward we were in I don't think we would have made it
that people are the are the key to making sure that that you're okay
don't be afraid to ask for help is what I'd say Well, well, thank you
both of you for sharing the story and this experience. I think that is very obviously heartfelt and uh
moving to hear this. It's it's always, you know, you think that sometimes obviously it is a great loss. I mean that's a huge understatement.
Yeah.
But it there seems to be somehow there's something given as well. it seems to me in in these types of experiences that
there's something given to those that are around Ian and and that that he has given a gift
that that goes well beyond his own life uh to to those that love him and that are close to him. So appreciate you
sharing this very much and uh and I know our audience will appreciate it as well. Thank you.
You're welcome. Have a great day.