Why Kids Are Cutting Off Their Parents

The Fastest Way To Reconnect With Your Child Kids And The No-Contact Generation Why "Normal Teenage Distance" Isn't Normal 26% of Adults Are Estranged From Their Fathers How Parents Can Reconnect With Their Parents Get Your Teenager Talking To You Stop "Fixing" Your Kids

 Raw Transcript:

There's a new cultural phenomena called no contact coming from kids to parents where adult children, especially Gen Z,
have cut off their parents or especially their fathers. Gen Z's even been called the no contact generation. My guest Dr.
Todd Carelli is a clinical psychologist and he's going to talk about how to prevent this. And if you do have a gap between you and your children, even if
it's small, your teenagers, your adult children, this conversation is about helping you to shrink that gap. Great
advice from Dr. Todd. This is one of those episodes that is going to help you. Now, this episode is brought to you by Warriors of Tank happening in January
21st to 24th in Zion National Park. This is an incredible event. We had a sellout and a standing ovation in August at
Warriors of Tiana. Then we expect this one to be every bit as good or better.
Fantastic speakers, like Hall of Fame speakers, great activities, great food, and an instructive, edifying, fun
experience. To find out more, go to warriorsofank.net or quickdia.com up at the top to warriors and register to make sure you
get your spot. Here we go with Dr. Todd.
Chapter 2: The no-contact phenomenon
So Todd, there is a movement in our culture right now where a lot of young, especially adults, young adults are
going what they call no contact with their parents. There seems to be a kind of a generational divide. I don't know
if this is cultural, uh, generational or something else. What's happening with it?
Well, um I would say this would be the teenagers to young adults of today.
That generation. What does what do we call? I don't even know the generation. The Zen Zen Z. Yeah.
They are cutting people off and cutting parents off. I've been watching this and you and I have talked about this before, but I have been watching this unfold for
20 years. I've been predicting this and I must not have a great way of sort of putting the message out there because
I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall a lot of the time.
But I have watched kids I work with a lot of teenagers.
I've worked with probably 8,000 families in the last 30 years, right? And I have watched and I started noticing this about 20 years ago. This slow disconnection between parents and kids.
Now, let's say I saw somebody 20 years ago that was 15 and now they're 35. So, those are that's
a lot of the people that we're seeing, these these these sort of young parents that are cutting their their parents off.
Mhm.
And we can say that this is a new thing and we can say that um you know there's a lot of there's a lot of speculation about why they're doing it. Mhm.
You know, maybe maybe they've been traumatized in what you and I called sort of normal normal stuff from our parents when we
were kids. People are calling that trauma now. And I think there's some truth to that. I think that we maybe overuse the word trauma.
But regardless, um maybe, you know, maybe it was they get a bad therapist. There's a we were blaming
therapists a lot, which I do think there could be some blame on us therapists for this as well. We can talk about that if you want.
But I I have noticed this slow deterioration relationship between kids and parents for a long time. And now
that they are adults with their own families, they are basically saying to each other and supporting each other on
social media, you should cut your parents off.
They're toxic, right? They're toxic. You should not have anything to do with them. They're ruining your life or they've already ruined your life. Why are you still talking with them? So this
has been a I think this has been a long time in the coming and we're now seeing the fruition of it right now where this whole generation there is I mean the
statistics that we see with this are crazy Greg like there's a there's different studies right and how you define estrangement
you know there can be a whole spectrum of estrangement but there's one study that said 26% I saw that of US adults
were estranged from their fathers 6% from their mothers Now, how do we know what estrangement means, right? And then come to find out in that study, a lot of them did make
amends, but 26% is 67 million people in America. Wow.
That's larger than the population of France. Mhm.
So, something's going on, whether it's full-blown no contact or whether it's just, you know, big issues in the relationship. But, I've been watching this happen for years.
You know, I remember, you know, I've got kids that run from millennials down through Gen Z, right? And and I remember
them and their friends talking sometimes. And I noticed at the time that there was just kind of almost an introspection of themselves
uh as looking at how they were brought up or the mistakes their parents made and and how it affected them.
Yeah.
And how they were traumatized because of these things.
And I just remember thinking to myself, at least for you and I, I would have never thought that.
No, we didn't. We didn't even It didn't even dawn on us. No.
To compare notes about how mistreated we were as kids.
I mean, I can kind of go I had a pretty good family. I can go back and go pick them apart. Sure.
For sure. I could pick my mom apart. I could pick my dad apart.
I don't think I could do it and then say, you know, I don't want to ever see you again. Right. Yeah.
We have lost the ability to amend relationships.
We've lost the ability to work things out. It's almost like we've become very black and white in how we see it. You're
toxic. I need you away. I mean, I think it's good to have boundaries. Mhm.
Right. And I think with some parents, we do need to have some parents do need to be cut off. There are instances where
that's probably healthy, but that is in the minority. Mhm.
This is this is a tragic thing that's happening. So you've gone around and you've worked with a lot of teenagers, for example, a lot of teenagers and and
and as a clinical psychologist, uh um seeing what issues there might be there or what might they might have and and as
you've noticed this over the years and you've noticed this, is there is there anything that you've noticed culturally or in in the field of
psychology or anything that would say okay this is why this is happening?
Okay. Gosh, I have so many answers for this. Certainly, social media, right? Social media does not connect us.
Chapter 3: The role of social media
It disconnects us. And I know a lot of kids nowadays when I ask them, tell me about your friends. Like, are you happy socially? Oh, yeah. I'm fine socially.
Well, tell me, who's your best friend?
Ah, you know, where are your do you how do you spend? Well, they're all online.
Yeah. Like I know a lot of kids whose only source of social like real what they might call relationships are
online. So I think social media has had a big impact.
Um culturally what what else have I seen culturally? I don't even know if I would say I'm not sure if this is a cultural
issue or not. But what I noticed years ago is that we started as parents to believe that when my kid sort of disconnects from me that that's normal.
That's that's appropriate.
You know, we call that individuation, right? You you become a teenager, your friends become really important. You start spending time more with your friends.
Parents are like, "Okay, that's normal.
I accept that individuation is normal and it is necessary developmentally but it happens best when
you do it from a place of what we call secure attachment like from connection.
I call it connection. If you have to individuate by cutting your parents off or by disconnecting from them
emotionally that's not normal. That's abnormal. I that's the biggest cultural thing is that we've sort of accepted it.
And I don't know that I actually don't think Greg that people are aware that they've accepted something that they shouldn't be accepting. I think
culturally we've gotten so busy as parents. You know, most of us are working a couple of jobs in the family.
Mom and dad are working or whatever. And people are tired. People are stressed out.
9 minutesAnd I think we've stopped paying attention to the relationship.
Okay. So that would be on the parents side obviously. And what would parents need to know? I mean that's obviously an
awareness like okay am I spending enough time with them? Am I focused enough on my kids with everything else I've got
going on in my life? Uh but what should parents pay attention to specifically
in making sure that there is not a a a gradual sessation of of emotional connection?
Does your kid come to you and talk to you about real stuff?
I mean, that's that question right there.
If your kid talks to you about real stuff, you're probably good.
Interesting. Yeah. If they stop talking to you, if they're in their bedroom all the time, if you get one-word responses all the time, that's not good.
Mhm.
It's normal. And people think, "Oh, that's normal. That's what teenagers do." And there and you know, not every
teenager wants to wants to talk all the time. Mhm.
And we have, you know, there's a whole spectrum of what this can look like. But I think the true test is, can you have
real conversations with them about real things? Or are they avoiding you all the time? And if they're avoiding you, then
we have to ask why. What is it that I do? What am I doing as a parent that's creating this? Rather than just taking
that as, okay, this is normal teenage behavior. So as as a child goes through individuation,
the parent also then is going to have to grow and change and develop, right?
Because they're now going to have to change the way that they're Yeah.
relating to that person going through the process of individuation, right? But you have to hold on to your kids. Mhm.
You might have to do it differently as a kid gets older or when they become adults themselves, right? because we,
you know, I'm a parent now of four adult kids and I found this to be its own unique challenge. Sure.
I wasn't really prepared for it to be honest with you. Yeah. It's another phase of parenting.
It's another phase of parenting. So, you do as a parent, you have to adjust and adapt.
But there is nothing more important than the relationship that you have with that kid, that child.
There's nothing more important than that. And in fact, that's where all the power comes from.
Just think of, do you have anybody in your life that you know, as they say in sports, that you'd run through a brick wall for? Sure. Right.
It's because of the relationship that you have with them. There's something about that person. You respect them. You admire them.
Right. Mhm.
So, I'm not saying we got to get our kids to run through a brick wall for us, but there is nothing that's going to grant us more influence with them than that relationship.
How do you do that? How do you have that relationship?
Chapter 4: The power of listening
How do you have that relationship? I think a lot of people don't know how.
I have found I mean, I remember one time I was in California visiting this dad and his son, dad, mom, and his son. and
he's this Hollywood executive and pretty powerful guy. It was a little intimidating at first to be talking to him.
And I asked him, you know, his son was, you know, failing school and on games all day long, wouldn't come out of his room, and all he could do is kind of
tell me all these, you know, complaints about his kid.
And I said, "Well, tell me what's the nature of your connection with him?"
And he looked at he looked at me like, "What kind of stupid question is this? I I'm sure at the time he thought, "Oh, I hired the wrong guy." Right.
And I I had to explain to him what I meant by an emotional connection with your child. Like what is the what is
that like? And he didn't have he didn't even know what it meant.
He didn't have I have found that a lot of parents aren't paying attention because they don't know and they don't necessarily know what that means or if they do know
what it means, they don't know how to do it. And I think it's a really common problem. There's so many ways you can develop a connection with a kid.
I mean, we can go into that, but there's so many various ways to stay connected to your kids.
So, so there's two things I think. One is I do think that it's really easy or it's a parenting is a lot easier obviously when the kids are young.
Yeah.
It's it's a different type of responsibility.
you got to watch over him more, etc. But it's easier Yeah. to tell them what to do. It is. It is.
So that that ability to change the relationship a little bit where you're helping them grow and develop. I I you
know, no one's really quite ready for that. It's kind of like when you get married, you're not really quite ready for it. No one you know, you think you are, but you're not. You think you are, but you have no idea.
And then you become a parent. And yeah, but but that move I think toward those kids moving into teenager years is
is something it would be nice if it came with a manual immediately or something like you already know what you're supposed to be doing right
at that point. I think lot a lot of us, you know, fall off the wayside a little bit.
Well, it's easy when they're younger because you can and need to tell them what to do sometimes and then that starts to backfire and so you have to adapt to that.
You know, I think if we did 10 times more listening than giving advice or telling them what to do, that is a way
to connect. I see listening as the superpower of all superpowers.
I can tell you many stories that I've had as a as a psychologist and as a dad. It okay to share with you a story?
Sure, please.
15 minutesUm, I share this story a lot. My daughter was 16. She's a very sweet like kind of innocent kid, right? She's she's
a professional volleyball player now, so she's kind of all grown up.
But when she was 16, she had her first boyfriend.
And this is a kid who probably had anticipated what that 16th birthday, Valentine's Day, was going to be like for years. She had probably planned that
out in her head for years, right? So Valentine's Day comes around with his boyfriend and that morning he breaks up with her on Valentine's Day. She's distraught.
She's distraught. I mean, really bad.
Right. You know, as a dad Yeah.
the feelings that that Yes. Right. See, I'm balling up my fist. Right.
And I came home and I could see how hurt she was and I didn't know what to do. And as a dad, you want to fix it.
Fix it. You want to fix it.
And I said, "Hey, how would you would you like to go on a date with me tonight?" thinking, of course, she's going to be like, "Dad, right? I don't
want to." She goes, "Okay." So, I ran down the bakery, got a couple cupcakes, got some candles. We We live by the mountain. We drove up the
mountain. We're sitting in my truck. We have a picture of this today that we both keep.
We're looking out over the city and I just said to her, "Tell me what's going on."
And the tears come big time. And on and on and on. We probably talked for an
hour. And the whole time in my mind, I'm like, I want to tell her, "Oh, honey, it's going to be okay. You're going to
recover. He's a loser. You'll meet a better guy." You know, all the things that you want to say to reassure her, right? And I knew I shouldn't do that.
Like the the therapist part of me goes, "Just shut up and listen." And the dad part of me goes, "You got to fix this." And I just listened. I looked her in the
eyes. I sat forward. I nodded my head. I asked questions. I did not tell her anything. I didn't try to fix it. I
didn't give her advice. She's weeping, right? We're eating our cupcakes now.
Then we're done. About an hour later, we're done. So, we drive down the mountain. We go home. We walk into the house. We come in through the garage.
She turns right for the kitchen where mom is. I turn left for the bedroom. And I'm thinking to myself,
"That didn't work." like you're kind of a what kind of dad?
Like that you didn't do anything. And then I hear her say to her mom, "Mom, that was the best date."
And I stopped in my tracks and I was like, "How in the world was that the best date?" Right? And and I've thought
a lot about this. She and I talk about this and this is actually a really very sweet fond memory for her and I and it's because I listened.
There is something healing about listening. Actually the way I think of it isn't just listening but when
somebody is suffering and we suffer with them without trying to fix it for them there is something about that that is
very very connecting. So if your child is suffering, instead of trying to fix it, suffer with them. Listen to them.
Ask questions. Join them. But don't run in and try to fix it for them. They don't want you to. Nobody wants them. Nobody wants to be fixed.
I don't even remember how I got off in that story, Greg.
But I think because we're talking about the power of listening as a way to connect.
Chapter 5: Meeting kids where they are
Yeah. Different ways that we can connect and and what would be another way? I mean, so listening, what else? Again, you're making a
obviously that would apply even when they're little kids, but you're making a a transition into teenagers.
So, there's lots of little ways. I kind of think of it like the emotional bank account. I think Steven CVY came up with that first and I like I like the metaphor.
Anything we can do to make deposits into their emotional bank account is great because if every once in a while we got to make a withdrawal.
Mhm. If we make a withdrawal and we don't have enough in there, it's going to backfire.
So, when they're little, it could be tucking them in at night, it could be scratching their back, it could be reading them a story, it could be showing up at school and getting her out
of third grade class so you can go take her to lunch. It can be There's lots of little things like that you can do. I think we as teenagers, I think we have
to meet them where they are. I'll give you an example. My son was 11. He was sort of going off the rails.
And my wife said, "You need to fix this." And I was very irritated by that. Partly
because I knew she was right. And partly because I was busy and I didn't I I didn't know that I wanted to. He and I already had a pretty good relationship.
So what extra am I going to have to do to fix this?
And I had the bright idea that we would go golfing because I like to golf. Mhm.
And when I was little, my dad golfed and all I wanted to do was go golfing with him. So, we would go golfing. So, I took him golfing. And by the second hole,
he's laying on his he's literally laying on the grass staring up the sky trying to be polite. He was bored to tears.
Right. So, later I said to him, we got together and I said, "Hey buddy, what what do you want to do? Like, if we're
going to do something together, what would you like to do?" Mhm.
And he goes, "Dad, I want to ride dirt bikes." I was 52 at the time. I've never been on a dirt bike. I've been on a dirt bike once and I almost killed myself.
I want to ride dirt bikes.
So, we bought a couple of cheap used dirt bikes. And over the next eight years, we spent hours in the mountains together. And I gave up golf.
21 minutesAnd there were lots of Saturdays where I was partly kind of bummed because I would like to be golfing. and
he wanted to go up in the mountains and I cannot tell you how many real conversations we had sitting at the
top of a mountain eating a sandwich talking about stuff. Mhm.
That's my example when I say we meet them where they are. You know, we have to join them in what they're interested in. I know a dad who wanted to take his
kid camping. Kid hated camping. All he did was complain about camping the whole time. So I had advised him to do the
same thing. What do you want to do? And he kid love comic books. So they end up going to a comic book store six months.
No, maybe it was two months later they're at Comic-Con dressed up. This is a dad dressed up at Comic-Con, right? Yeah.
We just meet them where they are. So we Another way to connect is we just show up. I mean, it's so simple. You just have to show up and be present.
22 minutesLike really present. Like you and I talking right now, we're very present with each other. A lot of times when we're talking to our kids, we might be
doing other things or we might be managing a text message that came in or whatever. But I think small moments of real presence is very connecting.
I think we need to stop telling them what to do all the time. Frankly, like I said, it works when they're kids, but as
they get older, it it definitely backfires. Advice is disconnection. Advice is disconnection.
Listening is connection and advice is disconnection.
I have never had one kid thank me for the great lecture I just gave them or the great advice. You know, sometimes
they might be happy, but you they almost need to be begging for the advice before you want to give the advice.
And even then, you should be a little suspect about it. Interesting. Yeah.
Because that's the natural I mean especially for a guy, right? For us guys, this is what we do.
We we And you know what? I think our advice is actually usually pretty good.
Like if they would just do it, things would work out for them.
But they got to figure it out themselves.
And and anytime we sort of insert our opinion and insert our advice, we're also telling them, you need me to solve
your problems. You You're not really capable of solving your problems. You need me to tell you how to do it.
Nobody wants that. You didn't want it when you were a kid, and I didn't want it when I was a kid. Yeah. And they don't want it either.
Yeah. So, this disconnection, this 26% possibly that you have with teenagers and young adults,
Chapter 6: Causes of estrangement
what I mean, you're saying social media is part of this.
Uh maybe others are doing it and they see that they're doing it, but is there like a final trigger where where they're
where they're getting to when they say how much of that would be real?
How much of it is that that that we're just jerks as parents and and how much of it is okay well
they're there's they're victimized okay even self victimized there's a lot of answers for this
because there's a whole spectrum right it's my belief that a big chunk of
this is because we let go of our kids a long time ago we haven't stayed close to them We didn't know that we needed to
stay close to them. We didn't even know that we weren't close to them in a real way. I think many of us are asleep to this.
I'm trying to wake everybody up. Yeah.
But I think we're asleep because we don't we don't know that we're not connected or we don't even know how important. There is nothing more
important by the way in your family than the relationship you have with your spouse and your kids. Nothing else is
more important than that. and we have forgotten that. So I think there's a big huge chunk of this phenomenon that's
happening because we let go of them years ago and now here's why.
If we let go of them, we are no longer a big influence in their lives. Well, where are they going to get their influence from? They're going to get it from their friends
and they're going to get it from social from from media, right? And all of a sudden, you've got somebody who you haven't really been
close to, you haven't had any kind of real influence with for 10 years, and now social media is telling them that that how awful you were, which maybe you
were, but at least let's give you a chance to fix it, right?
So all of their influence is now externally oriented to really imperfect sources, their friends in media.
So I think a big chunk of it has come from that. Now, yes, some of us are jerks.
Most of parents, in my experience, and I've worked with the whole range from every socioeconomic background you can imagine,
most of us are doing the best we can. I think most parents are really trying.
Now, there are some parents who are harmful.
There are some parents who are hypercritical.
I was just talking with a girl the other day. Now, she um I got to be careful how I describe this, but she was a friend of one of my kids.
Mhm.
Years ago, and we took her in and sort of love this kid. She's an adult now.
And I have watched her dad.
Everything he says to her is a criticism.
Everything. Didn't matter what age she was, didn't matter what she was doing, didn't matter how great she was doing it. He w he he was critiquing her and some of it was harsh.
I don't even know if this would qualify in my mind for a reason to cut him off.
Like I don't think that that would be enough to cut him off, but I think it would be enough for her to learn to have boundaries,
especially now that she's going to have kids of her own. What does she want grandpa to? What kind of influence does she want grandpa to have on her kids?
And then there are parents who are abusive, you know, who are truly abusive verbally, emotionally, in every way you
can imagine. They probably need to be cut off. Mhm.
I don't know if I answered your question.
Well, that does answer my question. I mean, I'm just I mean, I think that those that's the spectrum, right? Like you said, it's all on the spectrum. That cutting off should be the minority.
And it's a small percentage in my experience. It's a small percentage of families, small percentage of parents.
The problem is is that parents don't know how to make amends.
Chapter 7: Making amends and repair
That was my next question. So, if you are in a position where you've been cut off, yeah, what what do you need to do?
So, you cannot control your child. You have no control over them. This is what happens when I talk to those parents.
They all tell me the same thing. And some of it might be true, but it doesn't matter. Oh, he married a
narcissist. My daughter-in-law is a narcissist and hates me now. Oh, they went to a therapist and the therapist was horrible. The therapist told him to
cut me off. Which may be true. There are bad therapists. There are actually probably more mediocre therapists than bad therapists
who might encourage that sort of thing too soon.
But it doesn't really matter what your kid did. It matters what you did. So
when I I had a mom call me last year and I knew her from years ago. I did therapy
with her family when I was a brand new psychologist actually and she called me and told me about her son who I knew and he's grown up now and he's sort of kind
of cutting them off. And she says, "I'm not sure what to do." And my first question was, "Well, what'd you do?"
And she was like, "Well, what do you mean what I do?" I said, 'Well, what'd you do? Why is he cutting you off? Well, his daughter or his wife, you know, my
daughter-in-law is blah blah blah. I said, "Listen, I don't care about that.
She might be crazy. It does not matter to me. I want to know what you did." Well, blah blah blah. No, you're not understanding. I only care what you did.
It's a very hard question, Greg.
It's the only question that matters in my opinion.
What do you do? Because we can't control them, but we can control ourselves.
There's something magical that happens in a relationship when I go inward and I focus on changing myself. There's
something that that gives you more power when you do that. Truth is, you can only change yourself.
So, nobody likes hearing this answer.
In fact, when I talk about this in groups or workshops or I was even doing this in church a few weeks ago, the they wanted me to come speak about this.
I get a lot of resistance. I get people that are angry. They don't want I'm asking them and I'm asking you or
and I'm asking me to answer the question what's my role in the disconnection with
my kid? What's my role in our estrangement? Even if it's a 1% role, that's the only thing that matters
because then I can do something about that. Oh, I I yelled too much or I was impatient or I was g I traveled a lot
and I was gone a lot and I didn't stay close to you or or I was abusive or it doesn't matter what it was, but what's your role?
That's what parents can do. There's a power to making repair. I when we when I
talk about connection, if you want something really fast, really efficient, and really potent, go make repair with them.
with anybody, any relationship you're in, and you'll be shocked at how quickly
that reconnects you. Now, it might take some time because they might think, "Who is this human? I don't recognize my
mother here. I don't You know what I'm saying?
But there's nothing more powerful than owning what we've done, admitting what we've done, and then
saying, "Here's what I'm going to do different." Yeah. That's that's tough to move to that.
It's tough because it requires humility.
And you're not in a and you're not used to being in that position with your own child.
No. There's something about vulnerability that connects us to to each other. When you're sitting with
somebody and they trust you enough to be vulnerable with you, to talk about something, there's just a natural sort of
attraction that that creates. You feel more connected to them. And I think it's okay for us to be appropriately vulnerable with our kids.
I've been apologizing to my kids my whole my whole life. And I think it's okay to do that. I think it's okay to
say, "Man, I blew it. I blew my top the other day when you did such and such, and I
should never have acted that way, and I am really sorry. I'm really sorry that I did that." Yeah. And and I think sometimes you
might feel like you're what you need to do anyway, you feel like you're losing control by doing that.
You feel like you're losing control, but you're actually I don't know if I would say the word control. You're gaining influence. Yeah.
So the I always feel like the less control the more control you give up the more influence you have. Yeah.
Okay. What are specific examples of of this mending? Do you have specific examples of these types of things?
Mending my I can say this now. My we we've been talking about this at home. You know my my my wife's father just passed away.
So, we've been talking about him a lot and he was a very imperfect father, but he was a pretty good dad still, but you know, he had his faults.
And when we were first married, we lived in Utah. We're from Seattle. We we lived in Utah. And she had some pretty big unresolved issues with him.
And she told me, we didn't have any money. We were broke. She says, "I need to fly home. I need to talk to my dad.
And so we figured it out. She flew and I didn't really get it at the time. I was young. I was a young marriedry guy. But she flew home to talk with her dad and
34 minutesthey went into his office and she said some things to him that she had never said to him their entire life about how he had hurt her.
And they're they were significant, right? And it took a lot of courage for her to sort of say these things to him.
And to his credit, he did not get defensive and he said, "You're right and I'm
sorry." And he never did those things again. And these are things that he did to everybody. Mhm. And he never did those things again.
Like I just I have lots of sort of issues with this man, but I also really
love this man. But to his credit, he was humble enough to say, "Yeah, I did that and I shouldn't have done that." And I
think I think that's a to me that's a beautiful example of repair. Repair. You
know, the the antidote to estrangement is acknowledgement.
What keeps estrangement going is defensiveness.
We know that from research. One of the great things about my father-in-law, he was never defensive. Like I just being a
very defensive person myself, I really look up to that. Like he was never defensive. If you went to him with a problem, he would listen and he would try to change.
Chapter 8: Preventative strategies
So if we have now gone to this point where we've got more and more of this estrangement, can you see a
way where we can that's going to lessen or is social media going to make things worse? Is is technology going to make all this worse?
There are no excuses for it. It doesn't matter how bad social media is. Doesn't matter what government policies are going on. None of that is a good enough excuse for why we let go of our kids.
So, the best thing you can do is preventative. And you you focus on the quality of your connection with your kids.
36 minutesYou show up. You meet them where they are. You listen a lot. It's okay to still be demanding. By the way, I'm not saying just be their buddy.
Sure. In fact, kids need to have two things.
They need to have parents who are pretty demanding about appropriate behavior, but they also need warmth is what they call in the research. Demandingness and
warmth. If you have those two things, those kids do the best. So, there are expectations. There has to be expectations.
If you are all warmth and no expectations, that's called permissive parenting.
And those kids do really poorly.
If you are all expectation and no warmth, that's the drill sergeant. Authoritarian parenting, those kids do really poorly.
But if you are high warmth and high expectations, those kids do great.
They have the best outcomes educationally, employment-wise, emotional health-wise.
Yeah. So, you have to have that. But I feel like so much of what we can do about the estrangement phenomenon is
preventative. Like if you if you can't say, "My kid comes to me and talks to me about stuff." It's a very simple question.
And it makes us feel bad when we have to say yes to that because we feel naturally I feel guilty or I feel like
I'm a bad parent or some of us can get very self-critical and it's not for the purpose of beating yourself up. It's for the purpose of sort of determining where
are we at. If you if they're not like that, then do things intentionally to draw them closer to you. Meet them where
they are, show up with them, listen to them, spend time with them. It's really basic sorts of things that you just have
to do intentionally and over time it'll work. And make amends.
Make amends. I mean, that's just so powerful to do that. Yeah. Well, and what's more important?
There's it's there's nothing more important than doing that, right?
38 minutesYou know, regardless of what sacrifice you think you're making of yourself, I I think uh you know, I I like I just from
observation, I I think about I I think there is a sense of I was in control and they were they were
fine, right?
I'm not in control and maybe things aren't fine, right?
I need to get that control back. So, let me ask you a question though because it's such an interesting way you phrase that. You said sacrifice.
Tell me what you mean by that.
I mean sacrificing a behavior that you have adopted maybe after they've grown into teenagers, right?
And being able to let that go. I I think it's a great word.
Yeah, I think it's a great word. And I think it's I've never thought of it that way.
I think it's very accurate. We have to adapt and we probably have to place some things on the altar that we're just going to give up doing.
And we should because they don't work anymore. They really don't work.
39 minutesSo you if you keep trying, what's that phrase? You know, I can't remember the phrase, but insanity is like, oh, right.
Doing the same thing and getting the same outcome. Yeah.
I mean, you're just beating your head against a brick wall.
So, we do I like the way you phrase that. We do I think we do have to sacrifice some of the things that we think are
good parenting, right? It's good for me to give my advice give advice to kids. I need to teach them. A lot of parents will tell me that I'm supposed to teach them.
Okay. Well, you need to have a relationship with them before they're going to want to learn anything from you in the first place. If you're all
teacher and no relationship, they're not learning anything.
They're rolling their eyes waiting for you to be done.
Yeah. And I've noticed just personally and again from observation is that that control
is not, you know, we look at that as a as a negative word. What I mean by that is
40 minutesyou're bringing up your kids in a way that you think that they're going to be good kids and they're going to become good adults. So it's it's instruction, it's it's parameters, it's routine.
All of that is necessary.
Yeah. And all that's necess necessary, but you've got to flip it. You've got to switch it. So what I've noticed even as
I've had uh kids become adults is like you're saying that doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't work. Right.
And the so what you switch to at least what I've tried to do the difference is
is just I need to be supportive
right of them right I'm going to give them compliments on what they've done. I'm going to be supportive of what they're doing. I'm
going to be proud of them and make sure that they know those things. I think what you're saying is you need to accept them for who they are.
ure. Right. Yeah.
That's a biggie. Like I think we I think it's hard to accept our kids for who they are sometimes.
Well, sometimes you might think I mean this is a very crude and and and and very end of the spectrum type of of analysis. But you're the mad scientist.
Yeah. And you've got a creation. How dare you go off on your own?
No. I created you. I created this. You know that's right. Yeah. No, it's true.
And and how much time and tears and sweat and pain did you put into this little creation of yours? All those
years, all those nights you were up changing diapers or doing whatever you were doing, right? How dare they go off and become their own people.
Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. That's that's And if they would just listen to me. Yeah. Then everything would work.
But they'll listen if you have the relationship. If that becomes your priority, if that that's the big adaptation, if that the connection, the
quality of that connection becomes your priority, they'll listen to you. They'll come to you. Yeah. Not always, but but more than not.
So, in conclusion here, two things. One, what would your advice be? And maybe it's the same advice, but what would
your advice be to a parent of someone who is has teenagers or is about to have
teenagers in in how they act? And I think we've kind of talked about this, but then and then what if you have had
that distance with an adult child and what is the the the you know
the one thing maybe or or the simplest concise thing you would say to how do I help strengthen this relationship?
What can I do? The question is what can I do to connect with them or what can I do to reconnect with them? It always
starts with repair almost always. Like I said, if you want something fast and effective and potent, start with repair.
If you don't know what you need to repair, ask them.
They are very likely to tell you, you know, what could I have done? What
I'm I wish we were closer and I recognize that a lot of the distance that you feel with me is probably due to
me and I'm having a hard time figuring out what it is.
And I want to change myself because I want to be closer to you and I want to repair whatever I've done with you to
create this distance. So, would you mind telling me some things that you think that I could do better or maybe maybe places that I've hurt you?
And then listen like like that's a very vulnerable thing to say, right? Like that takes a lot and to stay quiet and
and then don't blow it. Yeah. Don't blow it with your well I did it because don't do any of that. Don't because it,
don't but don't only if. None of that stuff because then you then you just blew it up. Then just really listen to
what they say. Well, you know, you're always so critical of me, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Okay, I hear that and I
recognize that I can be a pretty critical person. I think it's because I'm anxious a lot and I really want the best for you, but it comes out wrong and
I'm going to really work on never doing that again. In fact, I'll tell you right now, you've heard your last criticism from me. You know, you can be you can be a little silly.
I just imagine in my mind the endorphins of that kid just rising.
I've seen it. I've seen it happen. They they they're literally like, "Who is this alien sitting in front of me? She's never a he's never apologized to me in
his life." But when you do that kind of thing and then you listen and you really take it, I don't know, Greg, of anything
more powerful than something like that to reconnect with somebody and then ask and listen. Ask and listen.
And they're probably right. Like if you ask them what you did, they're going to tell you the truth. And it's hard. It's hard to hear cuz we feel bad about that.
Mhm.
But man, repair is it's beautiful. It's it's amazing.
Yeah. Fantastic. Well, Dr. Todd, where do people find out more about this? Where can they find you? Dr. Todd Talks.
Dr. T O D T A L KS. I have a website, Dr. Todd Talks. I have a YouTube channel, Dr. Todd Talks. I have a podcast, Dr. Todd Talks. So, you can find me on all those places.
All right. We'll put those in the description box so people can just click and get there. Great. Thanks for your time. Appreciate it.
Heat.